Double Baby

Sigh...

The more I try to block it out and busy myself wth other things, the more the thoughts and feelings come strong

I don't want to be silly and ditzy and craving drama - I just want space and time for myself to heal/grow/branch out. On the other hand there are just so many things which reaffirm the thought that...

Will I ever find anyone else who makes my unspoken thoughts complete. I hate myself for being so weak in not being able to combat such petty feelings. Sigh. I'm in love with the man he wants to be.

I guess that buys me some time....when dreams are reached and goals are achieved, I guess I better start really worying then.

Becoming Pooh

This past week I've done a bit of reflection on my life. Wow, how out of character Annie! Yes I know, I'm a bit (much) of a bellygazer. But I'm hoping to change that. Because the great thing about the present is that no matter what has happened in the past, you always have the power to change the course of your life which will affect your future.

So, I guess this will be one of the more later entries of my life where I reflect on me, and I actually get over myself to reflect on other things - because there are a gazillion different things going on around the world (why media coverage on kosovo but not rwanda - race? why does it seem like the best of people are the ones that always get screwed over, by karma, God, whatever - coincidence, fate, or trials?) besides, well, me lol.

So enough preambling, I've realized something. I've become, or am becoming, Winnie the Pooh. Yes, and let me tell you why.

In the film Beautiful Girls the main character played by Timothy Hutton, a man in his late 20's or early 30's, falls intellectually in love with his 13 year old neighbour - a young Natalie Portman. This is really nto the point of the film, maybe like a 2 second subplot - film is really about male lazy slacker psyche but ANYWAYS

There is one scene where Nat tells Tim that she loves him, and that if he only waits 5 years, that they will be able to run away together. Tim tells Nat that he's her Pooh. Tim explains. Christopher Robbin has a doll which he creates all these adventures with. But eventually, Christopher Robbin will grow up and he will no longer need Pooh anymore.

Maybe I was just living entertainment. Or maybe I was just a face to create a crowd. Or maybe some actually thought that there was a real friendship underneath the forged unity of the circumstances. In any case, others that have outgrown my "purpose" will look back fondly or perhaps even forget. But I accept that, and now it's my turn to move on. Being truly myself, making a mark for myself in the world is truly exciting stuff. Not dwelling on lies and deception has made me a freer person - no more inhibitions to do the things I've always wanted to or be the person I should have been all along. Trust me, there are no hard feelings.

Portman's character responded to the Hutton character that that was the saddest thing she had ever heard. And perhaps it is, but it's not the end. It's the end to a certain chapter in our lives. And the reason why in this case, it is maybe not tragic at all is because of one fundamental difference. Pooh lived in the imagination of Chris, and so he was everything imagined and could never be anything more. I am no one's imagination, but I am myself, and so I am capable of change and growth. And that makes this not sad, but triumphant.

So goodbye, to those who it applies. And welcome to my new life, to those who'll stay.

Take Me Away

Find me

Conversation

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
I've been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if You're the same
And who's been getting closer to you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes

I miss you

What are the basics. Why am I so lost. I realize that I'm complete nothing without you in my life. I'm sorry that I'm not willing to fall back just yet. I look back to when you first let me see how much you love me and how much I could really fall in love with you, and I am really really sad that things aren't the same - no, I'm sad that things haven't changed. It's my bad, I totally admit. I thought I was all badass and tried to do things on my own, but I'm not even strong enough to fight my own battles. I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to get over the last time things went bad. Maybe it's called maturity - something I should strive for. Maybe I just don't want to break down again, on my knees in shame. I'm so sorry that I've caught a glimpse of your love and yet don't strive to know it. I'm so sorry, that I know what to do, but I'm too ashamed to do it.

It's been too long and I'm lost without You

I'm feeding my cyclical behavious over and over again. It's like I'm a cat stuck in the laundry and I can't freakin scratch my way out dammit! It is so tiring and frustrating to be where I am right now. I am just accepting things as they come, laissez-faire, as Miss Ford might smirkishly comment.

I used to be so on fire, like I'm not just talking about God, but I mean about issues and debates and the meaning of life and the meaning of the word "the" used out of context and getting Peter pissed off in Grade 10 and thinking up jokes with Capistrano and performing some duet in front of my whole church when I was 10 and telling cashiers at the Bay that I'm gonna be a doctor when I grow up when I was 5 and getting excited about CINEMA while watching Streetcar Named Desire for the first time and and and....I just feel like I'm rolling around in laundry on the "tumble" setting. Booo. I guess what I"m really trying to say is....Is this all that I grew up to be? This lazy, unmotivated, clueless, timid person? Like, the person I thought I was - just trippin? Did I really have no substance?

I don't know if I'm just being judgemental, but I'm just not impressed with a lot of "friends" that I grew up with right now. I'm not into who they've become, because quite frankly, it totally disgusts me. I mean sometimes I wanna peel an orange and throw the peels at their head (yah....its a nonviolent act) and say HELLO can you be anymore stupid-er-est-est? Like cmon now, what you do or who you've become is not only screwing up your life, it's hurting me. And trust me, people, I don't like to be stepped on or looked down on, that's for sure. Trust me on that.

And yah yah you gotta be forgiving and whatever, but I just can't take it. There's so much bs that I question myself why I'm doing what I'm doing. Get up, shower, take bus, transfer subway, walk to school, sit in class, talk to friends, walk to the station, take the subway, transfer to bus, walk home, watch tv, or sleep. This is a normal Tuesday for ya. I already feel like my heart is becoming more industrialized, becoming more metallic and freakishly, inhumanly, functional. I've come to realize, as much as I hate to say it, that I am not adjusting well. The people I hang out with are just that - they are people I hang out with. No they are not bosom buddies, no they are not blood siblings for life.

I'm yearnning for myself to just freakin push myself out of this already. Where's a mentor when you need one.

I used to want to be remembered for the good things I'll do, now I just want to be forgotten forever

So who fails their g2 twice? Who totally misses the most important opportunity to go to school for free for 4 years? Who can screw up any and every oppoprtunity with a catch, and yet connect on the deepest level with a loser? Who can totally cut off any prior emotions to loved ones because of a conflict? Who doesn't handle failure/rejection/condescending too well? Who forgets every freakin thing? Who feels like I'm being boring and monotonous? You're not alone.

Ideas and inspiration were childhood buddies. I think a part of me died a long time ago. I'm sorry because I've fallen into it again. I just can't seem to cure myself.

Heaven

I'm so happy im back at school omigoodness omigoodness omigoodness...I haven't survived with this little sleep ever in my life
omigoodnessomigoodenssomigoodness

I nearly died of happiness when we took out the camera and started playing around with it - and I got cocky in the editing room and decided that I would be a much better director/editor than the guy showing us OMIGOODNESOMIGOODNESS im so happy im here OMIGOODNESS

I feel guilty and twisted that I feel so happy - when my pastor is in a really low point of his life. He's only like 23 and his father passed away yesterday.....of all people, why his father? Of all people....I cant imagine life without my dad, cant even imagine, feel like throwing up just thinking about thinking about it

God give him and his family peace. Help his church family to be his place of refuge - Help us reflect your love for him