4 Page Letter

Double Baby

2005-09-05T01:10:00.000-04:00

Sigh...

The more I try to block it out and busy myself wth other things, the more the thoughts and feelings come strong

I don't want to be silly and ditzy and craving drama - I just want space and time for myself to heal/grow/branch out. On the other hand there are just so many things which reaffirm the thought that...

Will I ever find anyone else who makes my unspoken thoughts complete. I hate myself for being so weak in not being able to combat such petty feelings. Sigh. I'm in love with the man he wants to be.

I guess that buys me some time....when dreams are reached and goals are achieved, I guess I better start really worying then.

Becoming Pooh

2005-03-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

This past week I've done a bit of reflection on my life. Wow, how out of character Annie! Yes I know, I'm a bit (much) of a bellygazer. But I'm hoping to change that. Because the great thing about the present is that no matter what has happened in the past, you always have the power to change the course of your life which will affect your future.

So, I guess this will be one of the more later entries of my life where I reflect on me, and I actually get over myself to reflect on other things - because there are a gazillion different things going on around the world (why media coverage on kosovo but not rwanda - race? why does it seem like the best of people are the ones that always get screwed over, by karma, God, whatever - coincidence, fate, or trials?) besides, well, me lol.

So enough preambling, I've realized something. I've become, or am becoming, Winnie the Pooh. Yes, and let me tell you why.

In the film Beautiful Girls the main character played by Timothy Hutton, a man in his late 20's or early 30's, falls intellectually in love with his 13 year old neighbour - a young Natalie Portman. This is really nto the point of the film, maybe like a 2 second subplot - film is really about male lazy slacker psyche but ANYWAYS

There is one scene where Nat tells Tim that she loves him, and that if he only waits 5 years, that they will be able to run away together. Tim tells Nat that he's her Pooh. Tim explains. Christopher Robbin has a doll which he creates all these adventures with. But eventually, Christopher Robbin will grow up and he will no longer need Pooh anymore.

Maybe I was just living entertainment. Or maybe I was just a face to create a crowd. Or maybe some actually thought that there was a real friendship underneath the forged unity of the circumstances. In any case, others that have outgrown my "purpose" will look back fondly or perhaps even forget. But I accept that, and now it's my turn to move on. Being truly myself, making a mark for myself in the world is truly exciting stuff. Not dwelling on lies and deception has made me a freer person - no more inhibitions to do the things I've always wanted to or be the person I should have been all along. Trust me, there are no hard feelings.

Portman's character responded to the Hutton character that that was the saddest thing she had ever heard. And perhaps it is, but it's not the end. It's the end to a certain chapter in our lives. And the reason why in this case, it is maybe not tragic at all is because of one fundamental difference. Pooh lived in the imagination of Chris, and so he was everything imagined and could never be anything more. I am no one's imagination, but I am myself, and so I am capable of change and growth. And that makes this not sad, but triumphant.

So goodbye, to those who it applies. And welcome to my new life, to those who'll stay.

Take Me Away

2005-03-07T00:44:00.000-05:00

Find me

Conversation

2005-03-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do
I've been needing you, wanting you
Wondering if You're the same
And who's been getting closer to you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes

I miss you

What are the basics. Why am I so lost. I realize that I'm complete nothing without you in my life. I'm sorry that I'm not willing to fall back just yet. I look back to when you first let me see how much you love me and how much I could really fall in love with you, and I am really really sad that things aren't the same - no, I'm sad that things haven't changed. It's my bad, I totally admit. I thought I was all badass and tried to do things on my own, but I'm not even strong enough to fight my own battles. I'm sorry, but I just can't seem to get over the last time things went bad. Maybe it's called maturity - something I should strive for. Maybe I just don't want to break down again, on my knees in shame. I'm so sorry that I've caught a glimpse of your love and yet don't strive to know it. I'm so sorry, that I know what to do, but I'm too ashamed to do it.

It's been too long and I'm lost without You

2005-03-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm feeding my cyclical behavious over and over again. It's like I'm a cat stuck in the laundry and I can't freakin scratch my way out dammit! It is so tiring and frustrating to be where I am right now. I am just accepting things as they come, laissez-faire, as Miss Ford might smirkishly comment.

I used to be so on fire, like I'm not just talking about God, but I mean about issues and debates and the meaning of life and the meaning of the word "the" used out of context and getting Peter pissed off in Grade 10 and thinking up jokes with Capistrano and performing some duet in front of my whole church when I was 10 and telling cashiers at the Bay that I'm gonna be a doctor when I grow up when I was 5 and getting excited about CINEMA while watching Streetcar Named Desire for the first time and and and....I just feel like I'm rolling around in laundry on the "tumble" setting. Booo. I guess what I"m really trying to say is....Is this all that I grew up to be? This lazy, unmotivated, clueless, timid person? Like, the person I thought I was - just trippin? Did I really have no substance?

I don't know if I'm just being judgemental, but I'm just not impressed with a lot of "friends" that I grew up with right now. I'm not into who they've become, because quite frankly, it totally disgusts me. I mean sometimes I wanna peel an orange and throw the peels at their head (yah....its a nonviolent act) and say HELLO can you be anymore stupid-er-est-est? Like cmon now, what you do or who you've become is not only screwing up your life, it's hurting me. And trust me, people, I don't like to be stepped on or looked down on, that's for sure. Trust me on that.

And yah yah you gotta be forgiving and whatever, but I just can't take it. There's so much bs that I question myself why I'm doing what I'm doing. Get up, shower, take bus, transfer subway, walk to school, sit in class, talk to friends, walk to the station, take the subway, transfer to bus, walk home, watch tv, or sleep. This is a normal Tuesday for ya. I already feel like my heart is becoming more industrialized, becoming more metallic and freakishly, inhumanly, functional. I've come to realize, as much as I hate to say it, that I am not adjusting well. The people I hang out with are just that - they are people I hang out with. No they are not bosom buddies, no they are not blood siblings for life.

I'm yearnning for myself to just freakin push myself out of this already. Where's a mentor when you need one.

I used to want to be remembered for the good things I'll do, now I just want to be forgotten forever

2005-02-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

So who fails their g2 twice? Who totally misses the most important opportunity to go to school for free for 4 years? Who can screw up any and every oppoprtunity with a catch, and yet connect on the deepest level with a loser? Who can totally cut off any prior emotions to loved ones because of a conflict? Who doesn't handle failure/rejection/condescending too well? Who forgets every freakin thing? Who feels like I'm being boring and monotonous? You're not alone.

Ideas and inspiration were childhood buddies. I think a part of me died a long time ago. I'm sorry because I've fallen into it again. I just can't seem to cure myself.

Heaven

2005-01-14T01:17:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy im back at school omigoodness omigoodness omigoodness...I haven't survived with this little sleep ever in my life
omigoodnessomigoodenssomigoodness

I nearly died of happiness when we took out the camera and started playing around with it - and I got cocky in the editing room and decided that I would be a much better director/editor than the guy showing us OMIGOODNESOMIGOODNESS im so happy im here OMIGOODNESS

I feel guilty and twisted that I feel so happy - when my pastor is in a really low point of his life. He's only like 23 and his father passed away yesterday.....of all people, why his father? Of all people....I cant imagine life without my dad, cant even imagine, feel like throwing up just thinking about thinking about it

God give him and his family peace. Help his church family to be his place of refuge - Help us reflect your love for him

Talk about table manners

2005-01-09T01:58:00.000-05:00

We get through dinner fine. I hardly said a word but it was so noisy in the restaurant anyways, plus I didn't have any groundbreaking significant things to point out or add. So, I just ate my tuna-ed chicken Italian dressed up salad.

Ok, so the lollipops arrive as an appreciation of the restaurant's gratefulness for our payment of the bill. I notice about 3 other people sucking on them so I decide why not? I'm trying to decide between red or yellow, red or yellow, red or yellow. Ah, hell, we'll go with yellow. Then the guys next to me tries to teach me how drug dealers roll up their bills. So while he's talking and I'm nodding my head blankly and smiling at the right times, I take my lollipop out of its wrapper and start sucking on it. The SECOND i start, the juice goes down my airway instead of my throat. I'm panicking here! Not because I think I'm gonna die cuz I can't breathe, but because I can just FEEL a big restaurant scene creeping up on me. I don't want to make a scene, but already I'm making the choking noises, and everyone looks at me. Oh buddha. Before I can stop it, I spit out the juice that was stuck in my air valves all on the table and the people sitting next to me. Oh and I burp in the middle of it too. (except i think everything else was so distracting that no one really noticed that).

Har-har....laugh it off right? I'd rather die

Butterfly Cliche

2005-01-02T22:23:00.000-05:00

I realize how much I've taken for granted as normal. Sometimes, I think my problems are too much for me to bear, and then out of nowhere I get a glimpse of someone else's life where something of a much greater magnitude is happening. And I realize how utterly self-centred I am. Pain is an opportunity for us to be shaped into beauty. Pain, isolation, darkness, time. The Butterfly Cliche.

I also realize how important my family is to me. I don't think we are a perfect family, I don't think my parents are perfect parents. But omigod I love them. I love them so much. They have a love for me which overpowers any understanding I have of love - how much more I am lost when it comes to understanding God's love.

I wish I could fully reciprocate their love. I wish I knew how to express my love truly to people who I love.

I thinke something scary is happening to me.

Almost everyone I told has told me that it's not a big deal. That I'm making something big out of something so miniscule. But, I just have this gut feeling that...well, that...

Maybe I'm just imagining things in my head, but there's something there that wasn't there before. Or maybe it was always there, but I was just too scared or weirded out to go...there. Or maybe I just have a wild imagination fueled by others' wild imaginations. It is most likely the last option. In the most frustrating way I want it to be, and don't want it to be at the same time. Angry at myself for not wanting this to be a delusional hallucination, and hopelessly wanting everything to be real. I'm real gullible.

It's definately not a crush. It's definately not a friendship. It's definately not a close relationship of ANY kind. It's just two scared, weirded out, people who are kind of dancing around each other at a great great great distance, unsure of what would really happen if the guards came down. Unsure if anything WOULD happen at all. At least I'm not the only one weirded out, I know that he feels that way too. Just way too many weird factors that...I wouldn't be surprised if this is just one of those things where u look back wondering what if.

He is the person most capable of making me hate myself. And I hate him for that.

New Superhero in Town: Eczema Girl

2004-12-30T17:57:00.000-05:00

Went shopping with good friend today. Bought velly velly nah-eese teengs!!!!!!!!!! When I came home, i discovered i had the whole costco warehouse in my freezer! My parents left boxes of food for me and my friends

they are sooo incredibly cute

Doing Nothing and Paying $50 to Do It

2004-12-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

Yah, my skiing "church retreat". If you just wanted to go to ski, just be straight up about it! Don't try to mask that we're gonna have times of sharing and blah blah blah. Basically, I think we were all unprepared. We had to use the cottage's gross sponge to clean the plates (YUCK) among other delightful things. I'm not a big skier or snowboarder so I stayed in. I talked my ass off. I listened my ass off. I ate my ass off. That last part was the only sentence that made sense that didn't lol. It'll be okay if I'm the only person who gets that.

I watched Dave Chapelle. Sooooo funny. Yah, he's really crude, but I think he really has heart. Like, he has a heart for humanity, I think anyways. I know he doesn't come across as that, but that's what I feel anyways.

I want to get to know you better This Christmas

2004-12-24T22:03:00.000-05:00

An old friend called today. Another friend today was telling me how he was selfish and unable to care for others. But he proved her wrong! He wished me a Merry Christmas and I was so touched.

Merry Christmas, my beautiful classics.

Play it Once, Sam. For old Time's Sake

2004-12-24T01:25:00.000-05:00

Words can't describe what I feel when I watch Casablanca. I should make up a word that conjures up all feelings that can't be said, a word like Cadabra-devine-ralooloos. I get a tingle down my spine when the movie's Great moments occur. Ilsa's conversation with Sam. Rick angrily storming in at the sounds of the forbidden song being played, only to discover Ilsa at HIS club, "of all the gin-joints in all the countries of all the world, she had to walk into mine." Sam's heartfelt companionship to Rick late at night. Rick waiting in the rain at the train station. The young Bulgarian woman's plea for help, or at least just consolation that doing bad things are forgiveable if they were meant to bring happiness to someone you loved. Rick's first kind deed. The glorious duel of national anthems, the most sincere moment in the whole film. And, of course. Rick's last and most kindest deed - to paint a fairy tale for the other man in Ilsa's life.

How delightfully sad and fulfilling it is, to see the two retreating figures in the fog, heading towards freedom. As I watched, I wondered to myself who I would have chosen, even though it was totally out of Ilsa's hands. If she had a choice, she would have made the wrong choice because she would always end up with the wrong man. I find both men intriguing. Rick, soulless, empty, sarcastic, aloof, but with a totally vulnerable heart. Or Victor Laszlo, the man who inspired the nations, a natural born leader, whose passion might not always translate so well in the language of affection. I find both extremely sexy and desirable in their own ways. Of course, the popular choice is the weathered and drunkard Bogart. Bogart, you know he knows what to do...you know. He's tough and he doesn't take bullshit. The Laszlo guy, he's cold and he's reading his lines off a cue card (so it seems, which is untrue). I find Laszlo's detachedness is what makes him so impenetrable, so sturdy and so admirable. Especially in the scene where he leads the entire club into the French national anthem, a passionate rendition where even the extras are in unscripted and wholly felt tears.

I dunno. Let me make a promise to you and the rest of the world, I WILL make the next Casablanca. For the time being, I am totally enjoying the high the movie has given me. I am so inspired by women I'm seeing in the media. My role model is a combination of Hilary Clinton/Hannah Sung/Ingrid Bergman/Natalie Portman (except for her choice of movies sometimes)/Michelle Yau/Judge Judy/that main woman on Eleventh Hour/Sophia Coppola, and I will emulate this to the best of my ability from here on end. Strength with vulnerability. Intelligence with femininity. Endless creativity while being grounded. Empowered and lifted by love, and being able to empower and lift others as well. THIS is what I want. THIS is my mission statement for the Annie I want to be.

Roger Ebert once defined a classic movie as "A movie that I couldn't bear the thought of never being able to see again." I think I can safely say that I truly cherish my classic friends, family, and movies.

As It Turns Out, Insane as a Bowl of Nuts

2004-12-22T01:19:00.000-05:00

So, he never called. And it's reached the one week period. And I'm not going to hang on to this like those women who hang onto lingering memories and give the prick two weeks. Uh-uh, ur only getting a week with me.

So why is it so hard to delete his stupid contact from my cell.

He is tall, blonde, with messy semi-curly hair. Boyishly cute smile and mannerisms. I tripped and fell in front of a gazillion of people that are crucial to the progress of my career in the industry (on a stage, no less). He popped out of nowhere and made sure I was ok. When I had started to finally come to terms with my humiliation later on in the night, he calls out to get my attention. I look up to see him tripping off the stage: "That was for you" he says as he runs out.

Did I mention he has this amazing smile? And those blue eyes... On the last day, he stops me to ask for my number. He offers to drive me to the party from my house. I'm touched by his hospitality, but decline. He says he'll call me later that night. He really didn't have to say that. I hug him because I think baby this might actually be real!!!! I ride the subway in euphoric happiness all the way home, because he was so sincere, he had to be. Analyzing every little thing, it had to be! But then again why wud he be interested? He's too cute, too connected with the rest of the world...I didn't even suspect he had the ability to be interested in a clumsy fool like me

So if he ever finds out I was waiting on HIM, of the good-looking-down-to-earth-doesn't-know-or-care-that-he's-good-looking-social-butterfly-who-asks-girls-for-their-number-to-make-friends-who-is-to0-good-to-be-true -so-he-must-have-a-girlfriend species, he will probably laugh until he had to be bed-ridden for the rest of his life, thinking "I didn't mean that..."

So there you have it girls. I really didn't mean for this whole blog to be about my experience with yet another member of the ever stupid population of boys, but there you have it.

Um, in other news, I ate calamari and drank Gatorade. No, I didn't think that would be as amusing. This is the last you'll hear about him. I promise. (for the time being)

You know what, I know I'm going to be successful, as cocky as that sounds. It's so close, I can smell it. It seems impossible from where I am right now. I'm just some obscure first year student who doesn't get along with all of her profs. Who endangers a lot of her future prospects by opening her mouth and saying something. But I KNOW it's going to happen. I want it, not to be rich and famous, but to know that I've actually gotten there, the place in life I've been striving for ever since I was paralyzed dumb for minutes after the credits had stopped rolling on A Streetcar Named Desire when I was four. A few positions have come my way, and I, being the eager beaver, coudn't have been stopped in accepting them if a four by four tried to run me over.

Ladies, we have a reason to celebrate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another 24 hours

2004-12-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

Ok I can't take this excruciating patience-building crap. I wish this was the end of the weekend already so I KNOW exactly whether or not I am delusional. Am I a total deperate romantic at heart who imagines things to be what they are not WAY out of proportion? Or am I right on the nail with my "woman's intuition" and I am definately, no how, not in the least, crazy???????? Huh?????? HUh???? HUH???????

I can't believe the hours go by so fast when you don't have an agenda for the day. My agenda for the day was to watch my favourite shows on television and work on my script. It just so happened that I watched tv for the entire day and my brain has turned into electrocuted mush. An I didn't even touch my script. Am I ever going to finsh by the deadline? I guess I'm having what you call a writer's block.

So, I decided I think last last night that I wasn't even going to look at my cellphone. But last night, I was out shopping with a friend, and my phone vibrated in my hand!!!!! Omigoodness, my heart just about stopped pumping and I was gonna dance my Annie dance with the last ounce of energy I had.....IF my call waiting service was giving me the biggest blessing it could possibly give.

But of course, my worried parents were calling just to check up on me. But that's fine. Because too soon means too desperate, right?

So a friend of mine wants to go to a club tomorrow night to celebrate a guy's birthday. Normally I would have felt this intoxicating rush to want to go too. Not the case this time. I feel like the scene is boring me. It doesn't have anything substantial to offer me.

What, I spend about 20 bucks on cab fees. Spend roughly 15 bucks on drinks. Spend 20 bucks on this mac foundation that I actually desperately need as my face has decided to break out on me. And, I need a new top. Now that I think about it, I need some nice shoes. This is not going to work out. I think I am going to choose my script over going out to a club.

Insane? Maybe. But I don't understand the big deal, emphasis placed on Friday nights. I mean geez, am I a sociopath or something? Something I don't understand? I know that Friday represents the weekend but it's not a freakin crime to want to stay in sometimes!

Please let tomorrow be the day.

So many rules

2004-12-16T00:26:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize that there were so many rules to life. Think positively to be happy. Think big to succeed. Don't just think, but do. If a guy doesn't call u in two weeks he's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (Oprah). If a guy calls you too early, he's plain desperate. If you answer the phone before too rings, you look too desperate. If you wait more than two rings, he'll get antsy.

Omigoodness, people. Can't we just live a simple life? No rules, no stupid games to play?

Because I'm just about to scream--------JUST CALL ME ALREADY

Did you know that loving urself takes a lot of hard work? Sometimes it's really difficult, especially when u feel that horrible feeling u get when u've embarrassed urself or when u realize that it's hard enough for enyone else to love you. Don't get me wrong, I am totally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I feel as though the sun's uv rays are just too much for me and I'd rather stay in the dark shade. Feels safer.

But today is a new day! I'm bolder, strengthened by my weaknesses. What's the point in not taking any risks? There's no point in life if you don't risk anything. I'm risking my heart, that precious museum ornament i had always carefully dusted and put in a glass case protected by laser beams. I'm risking other's opinion in me, something which has deterred me from fully emerging as me. I'm risking my future, something I've always wanted to play safe. Now, I just want an adventure. We'll start with the Ghoster Coaster, of course. But eventually, eventually. I'll reach Top Gun. And during one of those loops I'm gonna fly off and create my own course.

It's a new day.